Aunt Emily loved a party. With a “heavy on the bourbon, light on the Coca Cola” drink in hand and a full repertoire of bawdy jokes in mind, she kept us all entertained. That is, until her jokes got too risqué and our parents sent us children out of the living room.
In her later years, as her memory began to fade and her eyes grew weak, she would read her jokes off index cards with reading glasses, pulled out from her purse with her signature dramatic flair. One of Aunt Emily’s jokes that I remember went something like this:
A woman walks into her doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I need to lose weight fast.” The doctor replies, “Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your rear end.”
Two months later, she comes in and says, “Doctor, it’s a dream come true. I’m half the size I was.”
But the doctor notices that she is shifting back and forth from one butt cheek to another. [Aunt Emily would demonstrate this] The doctor asks, “Where did you get that nervous twitch?”
The woman replies, “It’s not a twitch; I’m chewing bubble gum.”
For that one, we kids could stay in the room. Here’s another one that I’m sure Aunt Emily would have loved telling. This one surely would have sent us far from earshot.
A man and a woman are in adjacent seats on an airplane. The woman sneezes, then shudders violently. The woman sneezes and shudders violently again. The woman sneezes yet again and shudders violently.
Finally, the man asks the woman what’s wrong. She says, “I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition. When I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man says, “I’ve never heard of that. What are you taking for it?”
“Pepper.”
Do you have an older relative that loves to tell jokes (bawdy or not)? If so, please share it in the comments.
Grits & Gumbo 